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<center> All Is Forgiven
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People will never cease to amaze me...
...never, ever. Everytime I think I have the figured out the just jump out to surprise me.
I told the truth, finally. If you don't know what this truth is then its not for you to know, so don't worry about it. Isaac and Josh forgave me, they understood and if nothing else love me more for being honest about it. Hell, Isaac even said he wouldn't of even brought it up...he would have just let it slowly collect dust and be forgotten. I can't live like that, though. I have to be honest with myself or else it will lead to the bad things that the lie provoked. My "double life" is no more...I feel so free inside. Even though everything is sad around me, I just feel a huge weight lifted off my heart and for that I just love myself more than anything else. I'm so ********' proud of me, I'd buy myself some flowers and a shiny new silver necklace if I wasn't so broke. sweatdrop
It's just so strange to me. The last person I told won't even speak to me anymore, the person hates me with such an intensity that I just...didn't want to tell anyone else. I didn't want them to hate me, I just wanted to play along a bit longer till I had enough confidence in myself to say I had a good time and move on.
Isaac and Josh...they just don't hate me at all...Josh understood 100% despite the fact I was sure to be cussed out and stuff. He said it was ok, his brother was going through the same thing I was so he understood. He layed out his little philosphy on the situation and we casually moved on to a diffrent subject. Isaac was just happy I was honest with him, since I'm his girlfriend now and just like....loves me more because I told him something I knew we either make or break us and I was willing to take the chance just so he would know the truth.
Kevin...thats right. I couldn't remember if I told him or not, sweatdrop our friendship is very fragile at the moment, so I'm being careful of everything I do and say around him. I told him too, though...we didn't get to talk much though because I had to switch classes. Since Isaac and Josh took it so well, though, I just...figured he would take it ok. He told me it was alright, he'd still be my friend but he has a very peculair request of me now...
I can't believe the three of them were fine with it...I was shocked, to say the least and still recovering from that shock...I would never forgive me...I mean, if someone else did this to me I would forgive them without a second though...but I would never forgive myself for this. I just...I mean, I supppose its not really as bad as my mind is making it seem but still...my friends, they forgive me...the people that matter most to me forgive me, the people who this would hurt all say its ok...not "ok", but they can deal with it. I...I forgive myself. Just bad times and young love, everyone makes mistakes and thats just mines. I won't cut or try to commit suicide, I won't scream I hate myself, I won't degrade myself by anymeans, not anymore. I have no reason to, I am that person I always dreamed to be...completely honest. My only secret, finally out...god, you can't believe how good it feels to finally be tottally honest. I'd kiss me if I could xd
Everyone is ok with me now...::sigh:: except the person that matters. Eh, not like totally matters like life-n-death-I-am-so-gunna-freak-out-if-he's-not-ok-with-this, but just someone up there on my top 10 list. Chris...I dunno...::sigh:: He does not seem to be as forgiving as the others are. All he says is not to beat myself up over it and he's not ******** understanding that I'm not. If he says he doesn't want to be my friend then he says it and I move on, as simple as that. He probably doesn't trust me anymore, but hell who could blame him? This would make time two I lied about the same thing. He seems cold to me now, as if he doesnt' want to speak to me. I...::sigh:: I don't know...I just figured he would be hurt or something that I lied and he doesn't seem to give a flying ******** at all. I don't want him to be mad at me but god show some kinda damn emotion....I can't even bring myself to answer his PM's because of this seeminly weird behavior I just...I dunno what to do.
He asked me not to take jokes so lightly. That pisses me off so much he'd even say that. I mean, last time I checked damn it we're not ******** face-to-face so I can't see you crack that smile when your joking with me. I don't know, all I read is text damn it its not like I have an open window to his damn mind. He doens't even talk to me like normal people do {what I am used to, atleast} so I dont' even know like how he is and when its joking and when he's serious and he doesn't seem to understand that.
Bleh...stupid things about me...lets see....I get mad easy, I get sad easy, I cry easy, I'm a whiner, I don't understand people at all especially those closest to my heart...I can't help what I am, I'm trying to change and be better but that takes time god damn it and no one has any ******** time for me to try and ******** changhe.....
grrrrr....
::sigh:: ....
Anyway...Josh broke his nose today {yesterday?} when he was at martial arts practice thing he does...he didn't go to school today. That boy never breaks a bone I was so shocked and worried.
...thats another thing I dont' like about me, I worry. Oh wait, no, its not what I don't like about me, its what everyone else complains about me. I dunno what the ******** to do, do you guys want me to be a cold and ******** heartless b***h to you all teh time so you can complain about that?!
...grr....and no cookies, bum mad
I'm going. Bye.
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