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<center> Lex Divinia
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It's called, "[Unititled Hidden Track]" from the CD What Are You Waiting For by the band FM Static. You have to wait six minutes or so into the song before the music actually begins to play, and I have to honestly say I truely do love that song. It starts off so slow, this guy is playing his guitar singing about this girl he fell inlove with. I imagine in the back of my mind of like a guy singing that to me and it's just...so romantic. I've never experianced "romance" with a guy before, so its just so dreamy to me. It makes me blush and feel warm inside, and then I just can't help to smile to myself. I don't know why I get like that, I don't have a boyfriend who is all romantic for me at all...but still, that can't kill my dream.
That song has been slowly strumming in my head for the past few days, the guy who sings it says all the things I would want. It's just so...sweet.
After a few bad occurances last night, I ended up breaking up with Isaac and now am Josh's once again. I refuse to state here what happened, due to the people activly violating this journal, so I am forced to leave it at that.
I keep questioning why I am back to being Josh's. It thus far does not seem worth it. All he does is ignore me through the day, and then yell and curse at me when we are in forced contact. He forgets about me alot, and spends the majority of his time on RO doing I dunno what with I dunno who. He doesn't even talk to me on RO...for some reason, this is reminding me of a past relationship I was in. Except the past guy was trying to get a life outside of the game and was working, Josh has no such excuses. Basically, I'm trying to say I respect the past guy more than I do Josh right now.
Josh always gets mad and complains about Isaac, too. I miss Isaac now...::sigh:: Isaac didn't curse at me or yell at me. Isaac never got short-tempered or irriated at me. Isaac always made time for me, hell he'd even miss hangin with his friends for me. Josh used to be like that too, old Josh was everything I wanted...and now he's this cold hearted selfish b*****d that I ******** hate so much it hurts inside. I want this bad person to just go away and leave me be, give me back the old Josh or don't ******** talk to me at all.
He's always trying to make me feel bad; I thought it to be cute atfirst but now I see the mistake in that rationalization. He wants me to feel bad because I didn't accept him back the moment he wanted me to. Like...this is revenge for me trying to make him learn to appreciate me.
My teachings failed, though...I don't see us going anywhere at this rate...I see him being an a*****e, breaking up with me again, and all this trying to occur once more. That was the second time he ******** up on me, this is his third and final chance. I mean...
::sigh:: What I'm trying to say is, Isaac was being so ******** great to me and I went back to Josh who is still being an a** and I just don't understand why I am doing this. Josh is not acting like this is even worthwhile because if so he'd be a hell of alot nicer to me. This aint like before, and I know your reading here Josh...you got a week to straighten out or else it is over. You keep spittin excuses about how everything is so hard on you in your life and how you need me to be there to make it better {whatever your rationalization may be}, and yet yoru treating me like s**t.
....::sigh:: He signed off. Off RO, I guess. He continues to do this to me, his excuse is that I did it to....
Bleh...sorry, time lapsing here and there. ::sigh:: He said he hates me because I'm bitter and that he doesnt' want me anymore. I wonder what I did wrong this time...I'm so good to this kid and for what? ...nothing. He said he doesn't want me. Ha, I laugh at that I honestly do. I mean yea I shed a tear or two when he said it...but I can't keep crying over him. He's not worth my tears. Like that song by Mary J Bleigh, she says "No I'm not gunna cry I'm not gunna cry I'm not gunna shed no tears, no I'm not gunna cry its not the time...cause your not worth my tears". Man...I swear, that was like the first song I ever learned by heart. My mom had lots of bad boyfriends so I grew accustomed to that being her song to lift her spirit when a man had her down....there's another part, which goes "I know there are no guarentee's, in love you take your chances...somethin-somethin-somethin circumstances." sweatdrop I can't remember it exactly, I haven't sung it since I was a small kid. It was a very good song, and now in my little moment of despair...
I dunno, it makes me not wanna cry. I mean.... sweatdrop I broke up with Isaac who was going to give me everythin my lilttle heart desired for Josh becuase I love Josh. In less than 24 hours, after me not even coaxing the action, Josh breaks up with me again. O_o I mean...for once in my life, I can finally say there is a person out there in the world more ******** up than I am. 3nodding It makes me feel happy, cause there is atleast one person I personally know who is more ******** up and sadistic than I can ever dream to be. Thanks for that, Josh. whee Besides breaking me in so many ways perhaps you were some good to me after all.
Bleh...I'm just mad now I wasted so much time on that kid. Yes, for him to keep dumping me like this it is a waste of my time. He's either suspecious of me again or got another girl, either way I honestly don't give a ********. I mean...bleh, I wouldn't be ranting here if I didn't care...I'll just keep telling myself I don't care so I can get over him faster. 3nodding He doesnt' want me, so fine he can have it his way. All I want is for Josh to be happy, no matter what. whee
I went to the doctors to get a physical today. 4laugh I did it all by myself! I signed myself in, confirmed my info, did the check-up stuff, talked to teh doctor, sign myself out and everything! The second time my whole life I have done that on my own xd I'm so proud of me ::hugs myself:: Yay for Courtney~!
... sweatdrop Don't laugh at my loserness..... mad embrase its goodness!
xp Bleh, I gotta go...so much more to say and can't crying laterz~ heart
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