Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

There has been so much happen within the past two or so months. So much that I can't remember where time went. I don't understand what's happened or what is happening. I feel like I'm running around senseless. Lives crushed, promises broken, dismay and disarray what in the world has happened? I remember everything was alright. Nothing can be completely good but they were alright. I remember meeting you for the first time. I wasn't expecting it at all. I got to know you quite well within that time period when we first met. You acted so happy and carefree but I could see the loneliness in your eyes. I could see the screams of "I need somebody to love me." I decided to talk to you about everything and I was right. People mistreated you and abused you your entire life just because you had a problem. I then realized you were a lot like me so I knew I couldn't leave you alone I knew that there was a special purpose why I met you the way I did. I believe there still is. You told me all you wanted is for somebody that wouldn't hurt you and somebody that loved you. I remember all the conversations on the phone we had. Even all of the late night ones. I remember all the funny things we told eachother, all the stories we've shared, all the things we promised. I remember the places that we have went together. It still hurts to go into Guitar Center and sit and play when I have the memory of you asking me to play for you. I've not been able to play music the same since this stuff started. It's been incredibly hard for me to even pick up an instrument. I remember all the things you promised me. I remember Christmas last year. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed Christmas. When I was with you and your family I felt like God finally blessed me with a family and a loving woman. I was moved to tears from the warmth and the joy I had longed to feel my entire life I could finally feel. I don't know how I'm going to make it through Christmas this year. My Birthday is coming up soon. I was looking forward to spending it with you. This would have been around the time I would've came to pick you up or have headed down there. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to manage my birthday and Thanksgiving though I'm still thankful you are a part of my life. I'm thinking ahead and devastated at the thought of Valentine's Day. I finally felt somebody wanted me despite my vision problem and despite my other shortcomings. I felt that all this time and the thousand of miles I've traveled for you, and all the money, and all the love I had finally succeeded in what I wanted and needed. I felt so secure and I had hope for the future because you made it possible and because things were moving ahead for the first time in 4 years. I know now I shouldn't have had so much blind faith cause you've done me the same exact way everyone else has except you are colder and you throw the blame on me for the way you feel but I want you to remember that when you get upset and you feel lonely and you think of me remember that you're the one that abandoned me. I'm still here I never left and I never will. I'll still be in the same place you left me. I won't abandon you. I remember cooking for you and April at her house and getting to meet James. I love all three of you very much. I remember the hugs, the laughs, the cries, the tears, the kisses. Now it's really hard for me to remember the two most important ones the hugs and the kisses because you continue to distance yourself and make yourself bitter. I remember getting called to hear good morning, good night, I love you, how are you, are you ok, i miss you, i need to talk to someone, I'm lonely. I no longer hear sweet words come from your lips. I can also recall waiting for you to fall asleep just so I could stare at you and watch over you during the night, sitting, wondering if you were actually ok, wondering if you were dreaming about me, wondering as i stare at you if it was going to stay this way between us afraid of what has happened coming to life. I remember being in bed with you. You were so beautiful. It was very magical. It was like I was with an old friend, a familiar spirit that comforted me. I have never felt so safe, so comforted in my life. It was beautiful, passionate, hot, mysterious, comforting, sacred. You've ruined that now. I knew I was finally home and everything would be alright as long as we were together I knew that it was ok. What happened? I know I don't know the absolute truth. You're not being completely honest with me or yourself. I want more of these memories with you. I have realized I've been so selfish my entire life. I've prayed that I would one day have perfect eyes so I wouldn't get kicked around anymore but I've realized theres something out there that I want more. I want my life to be filled with you to the point I die with it. I dunno what it is despite what's happened my heart won't quit growing for you and I kinda want it to stop just for now. I hate it but I love you. I never break promises. I try to fulfill every one of them to the utmost extent but I dunno what to do now. My heart is a heart that is bound by respect and loyalty so I'm really confused. I want so much for me, for you, for us in the future. I want to be a great husband and I want to be a great father. I don't know if I can do that but I won't know till I try. I remember when I was such an amazing person, I was so talented, when I was an amazing lover, when I was so supportive of everything, when you couldn't believe you found somebody so wonderful, when I was so selfless and thought of everybody and was respectful of everything. Now....I'm a piece of s**t failure and a frigid a*****e. I don't care what you say about your reasons for saying those things it's no excuse cause what you've said struck me hard. I have never had anybody love as much as you have nor have I had anybody hurt me as bad as you either. Because of this you've caused me to relapse. You have been wandering what's going on with me so here it is. I have found out that I'm an alcoholic, a hardcore smoker, and a drug addict. I haven't been sober for two weeks now but I've managed to catch myself so I'm working on straightening myself out and being strong. You might be able to play off being insensitive and able to move on at the drop of a hat but when you told me you needed somebody that was loyal, respectful, and somebody that would actually love you you found him damn it. I still can't believe after you telling me that you would never could do this and this to anyone that here you are treating me and doing to me what you said you wouldn't do. I want to go on but I always get pulled back where I'm at now. I always hear this voice in my mind day after day. It's your voice and it keeps crying out to me "Michael, please don't leave me!" What am I to do? I dream every night of me holding onto your hand over a cliff with you desperately staring into my eyes crying sadly "Please don't let go!" I love you so much but you don't even act like you care or that I love you means anything to you. I want to date other people till you realize what you've done cause I believe that more than likely it'll be ok with us in the end after a while but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that somebody will steal me away from you and you'll be left alone in this world. I'm afraid I can't love somebody else as strongly as I love you. There's so much more I want to say and express but I can't do it without dying. That would be the ultimate test to die with the memory of you in my arms. I hope when it's my time that you are the one that comes for me and takes me to heaven. Eternity with you is all I want it's not much to ask for I just need you to love me thats all. This seems really pointless to even be writing this cause you don't have a myspace or Internet access so you'll never get to read it though I wish you could. I wish you could hear it at least even if it's not from my mouth. I wish that you could see what has happened to me on the inside. I wish you could physically see what shape I've been in. I'm tired of hiding behind the smile cause the thing that made me naturally smile is gone now. I'm not putting on a show anymore for anyone you want to know how I am well I'll tell you how I am I'm definitely absolutely 100 percent not ok. I want you to know that I'm going through hell. Theres not a day that goes by that I don't feel like you've died. I'm going to crawl on but I'll always be here for you and love you till the day I die that was my promise to you and It won't be broken unless you don't let me then I'll know then it's not my fault. I know it's not my fault that you left me but still I feel like I'm the one to blame cause if it wasn't my fault then you wouldn't be so cruel to me right? I hope one day this blog gets to your ears or eyes somehow but it may never. Just to let you know out of all of this fodder thank you for all the memories. I'll always cherish them from the inner depths of my heart. You will always have a very special place right here with me, always. Thank you for everything. I love you Sarah.