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just because they say so, it doesnt mean
i feel like bursting into a million tears,, everythings so bottled up,, so dark and confined,, im not me anymore..im not sure in wat ways,, but im sure im not wat i once was,, again. and i didnt want to change like this. i was actually starting to think its okayy. a tear just fell rite now. idk why i typed tat in but watever. its okayy cuz im almost a gazillion percent sure tat no one reads wat i write,, let alone identify the double meanings or the secret message or watever. nd tis is much more preferable,, typing these words out. siblings are always such snoops,, so you could imagine how unsafe a plain notebook with unplain secrets hidden in the pages is. nd then when the word gets to mamma,, everyones always on your case. my face finally feels red. tats good cuz tat means im gonna be numb in a lil while. so might as well just give it up. im mad. at angel cuz he mite move nd leave me,, mad at rosie cuz shes smoking weed,, mad at ashleyy cuz her grades worry me nd i want her to be better,, mad at luis for accusing me of something tat i will never ever be, mad at jake because he loved me and left me and hurt me. he wounded me. he ripped my heart out into a millilon bits of millions of pieces. and ive regained,, but im losing it now. every couple i see makes me think of him now, even my frends which is messed. jhune nd mary,, the way they fite alott but end up happy like the veryy nxt day. juan nd ashley,, how theyre always wit each other,, making each other feel happy nd content nd loved. nd then even happy people just get me thinking. angel,, the way his eyes sparkle when hes happy. hope,, the way her face sorta glows wen shes really lafing. and heere i am,, crazed over a guy, sleep-deprived, self-concsious, not even sure who i am,, looking at these awsome ppl (who somehow enjoy having me around) nd entertaining them with my random outbursts nd impulses. i hate it wen tat happns nd it seems i kant control them any better now. maybe suicide is the best alternative. maybe,, just maybe...no,, its not. its not, its not its not. but its so damn tempting. my hands are shaking as i type,, this isnt normal....i shuld hav been numb by now i think...watever...love is teh slowest form of suicide. it always has been and it always will. but im gonna try to endure. i may not have his stupid love,, the one i crave so much,,even though it was fake,, i may not have his,, but i have my friends.....im not really sure of this but they tell me so im just gonna asume. im logging off to find something sharp.
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