The End of It All..
*sigh* so much has happened...i didn't even think about writing in this at such an early time. i just accidentally clicked on the journal thing instead of the friends' list. but since this as opened up, might as well let it out..i'd thought 2009 held many good things for me before it started. now that it only has 23hours to go, i see i was mistaken. don't get me wrong, this year gave me things to be happy about. most of my old friends still stand with me, and new ones have joined, ones that have such unique minds i feel i don't deserve to be their friends. im grateful for them, especially the ones i've met on this website. i don't know them much, but they're already a sort of um,.....harbor? safe haven? i can't word it correctly, but they're there for me when my other friends can't. and i absolutely love the music i was introduced to this year. and by fate, i think, so contagious by appectance just started playing (i found it on myspace music, thanks to Kyle Spencer). i loved this from the moment i heard his voice, and i became addicted when i listened to the lyrics, its too bad accpetance broke up. i love their sound...i love music; it is my life with a beat and a melody thrown in.. unfortunately, i've lied alot more than i wanted to, and what hurts me is that i know i'm starting '10 with a few, but at least i'm not going in with alot...i need to be more truthful, and i will try to be...i also want to find something permanent to believe in...not neccessarily a religion, but just something that will give me enough um,......perserverance? courage? strength? hope? faith? (any of those, i guess) to get me through. hmm.... ho ho hopefully by the maine started (introduced to me by Fernando Vargas)..another favorite. i heard of the maine about two years ago...browsing myspace, i think.....2010 will be the year i rebuid my heart. i refuse to let the new year end without my heart being intact yet. eight years of the same guy, so what? with my friends, i can pull through. i know it...hopefully i won't cry at school as much anymore..it's embarrassing and tiring to do so....i will not look back on the past, and i will refuse to answer any questions people ask me about it. the past is the past, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone needs to move on, so it's best to not dwell on it by asking questions. no one likes gossip anyway...gossip is a horrid and terribly monstrous creature that will rip anything and everything apart, even the strongest of friendships. confusion is one as well. and both have engulfed me this year. but i refuse to let that happen again. once the clock strikes twelve, it will let me know that the end of this all has come. and i will not be sad for the memories i wish to cling onto that will be going. i will not try to hold on. but i'll be happy for the fresh start. i'll be happy for the new chapter that has been added to my life, letting me choose who gets to be included and what to let go....fuzzy blue lights by owl city (i found this on playlist.com when i was searching originally for fireflies by owl city) his voice is calming, and the lyrics in all of the songs mean something to me...i will hold on to some things, after all. the music. the love of my family and friends. and the stories. not the memories and the tragedies...this probably doesn't make sense when read, but it makes sense to me, and that's all that matters...human by the killers (i found this also on playlist.com once i recognized the killers' sound ---i'd heard this song earlier on the radio once and it was playing in a dream of mine) of course i love this...so many good memories in this one song...that's what i love about songs...one song can instantly calm you, another can get you hyped up, and blah blah blah...but without realization, all of them stores memories...i was reading breaking dawn in my mom's car when we were on our way to garland park (somewhere in the santa cruz area, i think) and which song was playing on kdon? that's easy. it was Right Now by Akon..whenever i hear it, i get images of bella and edward...funny at times, annoying at others, and sometimes just happy to recall that day of climbing upwards through the dirt and mud and falling on my butt. it's a good memory that i'll keep...when i'm gone by simple plan (i found this while i was channel surfing dish network--the number was 868, i think..something with a 86 or 87) i remember jumping on my nana's bad while watching the video...playing the air guitar to this..that was fun..childish, i know, but fun..it was one of those times when i felt glad to be at my nana's house during the summer....spring break was the saddest time for me this year, and my whole life. my heart was extinguished..and my friends saw that..i regret not being a stronger person...but i won't anymore. i'll just focus on being a better one...i love....i just love...i love saying goodbye to this year.can't wait for the end. because after the end, whether we know it or not, there's a new beginning. again, probably doesn't make sense, but i don't care. i got to stop writing now. i need to get ready for the start.
