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It is no little secret that I would like to be more English than I am now. And it is a heartfelt English tradition to talk about the weather, which is strange since England has no real weather to speak of. For instance, a news report from America might read something like this:

In other news, a hurricane hit Iowa, tearing apart fields, leaving buildings strewn like so much confetti and giving Jan De Bont inspiration to create a new disaster film. Later we'll be speaking to one of the victims, a 42 year old woman from Pocahontas and discussing how she's adjusting to her new life in Hawaii

Wheras English news reports are a little more:

The fiercest gale in twenty years hit Essex yesterday, knocking over a sapling and leaving dustbin lids at jaunty angles. In related news, a man whose laundry was blown away has been wearing the same clothes for three days, although since he works as a computer programmer, it's not clear whether he's noticed.

As in the rest of the world, there are four seasons, known as

Spring
Summer
Autumn (or Fall)
Winter

except that in the U.K. the seasons are known as

Sunnybutcold
Uncomfortablyhot
Boringgrey
Brassmonkeys

Thanks to the mild unpredictabilty of English weather, the English have a sixth sense when it comes to sudden changes. If you are on holiday, and the English family who keep acting aloof towards the hotel staff suddenly roll up their towels and run inside, I advise you to do the same, as it is either about to rain, or it is part of a cunning ploy to keep the Germans away from the sunloungers.

So there you have it. I haven't actually mangaed to talk about the weather much at all. I'll have to stick with the other great English pursuits, like complaining and queueing.

victoryusagi is a bored writier living in West Sussex. His other favourite English pursuits are eating bland food and wrecking foreign hotels during the World Cup.