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I'm planning today to write about something that other journals have been suspiciously quiet on the topic of. I am of course referring to cheese, which is the evolved form of milk, once milk has engaged in enough battles.

Milk comes from cows, which also provide us with beef burgers, leather upholstery, fine leather flight jackets, and, if you come from the prarie states, gratification, IF you know what I mean, and I think you do. However, milk is only made into cheese after it has left the cow, and until udders get a serious redesign this will remain the case.

Milk is traditionally placed in buckets the moment it comes out of cows and buckets are usually used to make sandcastles, so I think that there is a connection there that the Dairy industry is not telling us about. They also aren't telling us enough about the three major kinds of cheese:

ACTUAL CHEESE: It's cheese.

PRETENTIOUS CHEESE: Any cheese that isn't white/yellow in colour. This includes Edam, Corbet, the Lancashire Red, the Edmington Black and the Essex Puce. Many Pretentious cheeses have aromas so strong that they can only be eaten in a well-ventilated area, and even then, only after they've been disarmed by the appropriate authorities.

YELLOW PLASTIC: Served in MacDonald's burgers. Looks like cheese, tastes like wax.

You have to wonder about the brave man (or woman, History is an equal opportunities employer) who first thought 'Wow, that milk that's been out in the sun for so long that it's turned into one huge congealed lump sure looks tasty!', but then you have to wonder about the guy who first tried drinking the stuff that came out of cow's udders. In another universe, they drink the milk produced by that other hardy livestock species, the otter.

In another universe, or at my flat. Cow's milk is so expensive nowadays. That's why I'm trying to get planning permission for a cheesecastle big enough to live in. Now, where's my giant bucket...

victoryusagi is a bored writer living in West Sussex. He prefers his cheeses solid and unpretentious. None of that slimy foreign crap with the blue veins, no sirree.