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I'm tired.. but I don't want to go to sleep, because I know I'll probably wake up feeling worse than I already feel... People say that telling others about how your feeling helps, but either I'm doing something wrong, or they were lying..

If I were to die, I'd like it to be by the sword, I don't know why this is but I've given it too much thought recently...

I still feel empty, and completely useless... I've tried what I could to become happy... Should I give up on happiness coming to me anytime soon?

I just realized I named my journal the pain of destiny, but I'm not sure how much I believe in destiny.. I wonder why I named it that... I should have called it the pain of life...

I really haven't done much this night, or morning, other than wallow in my own sorrow I've tried to take a walk, but that didn't help, it just made me more depressed, and wish I were a tree...

I'm not sure if I'm going to sleep today.. I may or I may not.. I don't feel like I really need it anymore, it seems to be causing me more harm than good... I still haven't dreamed as far as I know...

I'm starting to detach myself from life, all those little pains I worried about in my body, don't worry me anymore, I've begun to embrace them, and wish they'd stay, I can't cause myself physical pain, but when they happen, I've begun to enjoy them, maybe its anothers feelings flowing within me..

If I do fall asleep wish me luck on waking up not worse than I already am...

I've been wanting to put up a journal entry of me having a happy day, so that my journal isn't only full of these depressing times.. But I can't find anything that's made me happy the old things I liked to do for fun, have been boring to me recently, the one person that has brought me happiness hasn't talked to me... I've really been only able to focus on these emotions... If there is a god out there, just let this pain stop.. Give me something to be happy about... Or even just take this sadness away and leave me emotionless, just don't take my values or dreams away...

I'm sorry for these sad entries.. I want to be rid of them soon, though I don't see it happening anytime soon...

I'm sorry for these images of death I have, these wishes to not exist anymore I'm sorry for just being depressed... I'm sorry for the way I've been, for the way I am now, and for any sadness I'll feel in the future...

(Keep moving forward me, don't let yourself fall to your emotions, don't be like the other, the one that used to cut, don't draw your own blood, and don't draw anyone elses just move forward damn it, you'll see what the future has to offer you, you'll see again life can be worth living, you'll see that happiness will eventually find you, even if you have to do your homeless experiment to see how much worse it can get JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND KEEP WALKING)

The things I've been putting in parentheses are what I want to tell myself when I look back over these, even though I can't find myself believing it anymore, I've put your great on my phones start up... I've been trying to leave myself messages everywhere to help me to just keep going toward the future...

To the one or if there's more than one that reads these for some reason, don't hate me for being depressed, don't hate me for wishing for my existence to end, I'm doing my best to keep moving, and I've made it this far.. Just hope for me to keep moving and to not give up.. To never give up, because giving up would mean making the one that loves me sad, to disappoint her, to probably make her hate me... I don't want this.. I have to keep going forward...