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I've been phasing in and out of depression these past few hours, I'm never sure if it is going to stay or not, but, it just seems to be phasing in and out... I guess its because my mind keeps wandering, and random depressing thoughts have been popping into my head.. I'm trying to make these thoughts stop but, they just seem to come out of nowhere... I guess its okay though.. The depression hasn't been as bad as the past few days, which I guess is why I haven't slept today.. I don't want to sleep really, because I know, I just know how I'll feel when I wake up... While I can't say happiness hit me today, I can say, I haven't been really depressed, which I think is good... At least this journal entry won't be completely depressing... I've found for the most part there are games I can't play anymore without feeling depression, I'm not sure what it is about these games that trigger it, but when I play them it sure seems to always make me depressed... Maybe when I'm playing them, my mind finds it easier to wander?

I feel I can't let my guard down when it comes to my mind anymore if I want to keep feeling this way, I'm doing my best to achieve the mindset that my love wants me to get, but I just don't know how to lead myself... She's told me I'm useless without her, and I think that's probably true... I sometimes still feel that hole in my chest open up, I'm not sure if it stays open and I forget about it or it goes away and comes back, but it still happens to be there, though, its not as bad as it once had been a few days ago, it seems to have gotten better, at least a little..

She missed telling me she loved me before she left this morning, which kind of made me sad... I'm not sure if she was in a huge hurry, or if she just forgot, either way, I was saddened by it... I hope I get to hear it tonight..

I still can't seem to get out of this state of being frozen in time still.. Even if my emotional state seems better now, I still feel frozen here, I'm not sure why exactly..

There have started to become things I really don't like to think about anymore, I'd rather not discuss them, but I just know thinking about them hurts me for some reason, words sentences, acts.. They don't have to be about anything at all they just for some reason hurt me to think of them, I find it weird that they do this to me, because again they don't even have to be about anything at all.. I've got a strange mind and what seems to be even stranger emotions, and emotional triggers...

(Don't think, don't look, stop your minds thought, move blindly, just keep walking even if its through a fire, just keep going)